My Journal
| Contents | ||||
Today I’m hyper because I had a Christian moment. In my last class of the day someone that saw my mp3 player before, wanted to listen to it today. When people herd that it was Christian music they laughed but they wanted to listen to it. I was just watching it get past around and the people where shocked that is was Christian music. (This was helping me to accomplish my goal of having 5 people getting to know Christianity this school year.) Also there was a sub today and he as a youth leader for a church. My friend earlier today said that he had started to listen to Christian music again recently. So a lot happened and I am hope a lot more will come.
1/11/04
Over the winter break God has blessed me with a prayer that I asked. The prayer for God to take me on an amazing journey over winter break. It was more than answered. I read most of a book about how to reclaim your school legally for Christians. This book gave me more information that I was looking for. I was going to be kind of worried about science class would work out with the lesson of evolution is coming up. The book said that the school also has to provide other information on how People came to earth. This was relieving. What was more reliving was someone that based the person’s career on how evolution is not possible (remember the title “is evolution possible”). The first week back at school for some reason my chances of spreading Christianity kept coming up in school! I’ve never had so much done in three weeks that involved Christian activity. Prayer is amazing!
1/1/05
It’s a new year so I thought it would be good to start with what I have missed. I have not been motivated to continue this web site till recently. I’ve been getting e-mails that say that it is a good idea to keep a journal of what God has done in your life. So I have decided to concur to that. I can mainly remember what happened since the summer of ’04. I’ll just continue my journal with how I had walked with Christ in the past. But this time I am going to tell the story as less of a testimony and instead more of a struggle. Things are really different now.
I remember that not much was going on. I kind of wanted a job but instead I’m just playing are round at home. I did not want to do the things like this web site just because I had lost my motivation. I remember for sure that Spirit West Coast did not have the filling satisfaction that I usually get. I do not know if it was because I did not really stay in tune with the radio or if the job of the artists weren’t as pleasing or if just showing up 5 or 6 times in a row is just to regular.
Early August ‘04
I met a person that was “16” in a Christian chat room. I am also 16. I guess you could say she had a naughty mind. But she claimed to be a Christian. Her name was Kaitlin. I thought as usual that I could talk to this person and straighten her out, or inform like I do what any one who talks to me like that. We ended up talking every day but not as enemies. A few days later her parents “said that they were going to cancel AOL.” Later that night I felt empty while I was just sitting out side. I had not realized it but some reason I enjoyed talking to her. When Kaitlin said that, I had realized that my best friend on the net had not been on lately. I guess it is true that you don’t realize how lucky you are till you don’t have it any more.
The next night Kaitlin was on and I was so happy. She said that she snuck on the Internet at night when every one went to bed. So we talked and we got to know each other a little more. We did this for the next few nights. I guess something happened with Kaitlin’s parents because now she was able to be online any time. Sometime in this we had shared what each other’s phone number.
Around this time I had met Destiny. I also had met her in a Christian chat room but this one was in a different category. She was 12. She had a friend with her and she was just going chat room hopping. I guess she enjoyed talking to me because we also shared phone numbers. A few days later I guess she liked me a lot more that I thought she did. She asked me out. I said as nice as I could no because she was to young but for me the main reason was because we had just met. She said that the reason she like me was mainly because I was nice. She said that you don’t find many guy in her area that are like that.
Late August ‘04
I’m getting a long with my new friends really well. But one of them had not really gotten a long with some one else. She was talking to me one night and wanted to know what to do about her boyfriend. She said that she liked him but she did not really like him any more. I told her then she should not go out with him any more if you really don’t like the guy. And so she did that the next day. She was hinting me with what happened when she broke up with him but she did not tell me clearly. I was thinking it was something but I thought that was too unreal. A couple days later on the phone we talked and she brought up the issue again. She asked if I understood what she was trying to tell me. I said I don’t think so. And then she said you didn’t as if she was disappointed. And then I had realized it was true. She had been raped. I feel like as if it was my fault but over all I was upset with the guy that did this. The girl said that she was happy that I was there because I got her through the problem.
I am now back in school. I got a late start on my summer project so basically I was not ready for school. Kaitlin still has a week of summer vacation. So I still talked to her of a few hours on the phone but instead in the after noon. Nothing is too important to stop talking to Kaitlin. Kaitlin does not have her cell phone any more and she does not have a cordless phone so we can’t have the same personal talks all the time like we used to. Destiny and I still talk but just on the weekends now. Actually it is getting less and less every day. My first Internet friend in Massachusetts has talked to me and was making sure that I was not upset that we had left. I said no. I even told her about Kaitlin. I found the meaning of love since I’ve found Kaitlin.
My English teacher wants me to do a Junior Project (community service). After a month I still do not know what to do. I called the Volunteer Center to help me find an answer and the lady recommended me to the Boy’s and Girl’s Club (like the YMCA). So as a last minute thing I signed up.
October ‘04
My relationship is getting shaky. We are starting to disagree about what we think is ok to do. But we still love each other. I guess what that means is that we are becoming more truthful to each other. It’s also her birthday this month. I mailed her a gift of a really really soft bear and a video (G rated of course) of my life at home. She enjoyed the gift even thought was a little late by a day or two. She wanted me to fly to her place for the weekend of her birthday but my mom would not let me because I would have had to stay at Kaitlin’s house. But I really want to go there because I don’t think our relationship will last long if I won’t see her. So after a few weeks, I tried to got when I had a 4 day weekend. But Kaitlin was not really talking to me when I tried harder.
I have too many internet friends. It’s all because I go into chat rooms. I wanted to start my own but got to board. I wander what happened. I used to love running my chat room. I guess I’m worrying about my friends. So I guess I don’t want to make new ones.
Some one at my church is willing to donate a new projection PC for my church so I’m doing some research on what custom pc or and AV machine would be best for my church. It is difficult to find what I want because there isn’t a direct source that I could go to. But after 6 months, Bill the basic leader can get what he wanted.
November 04’
What a month. Kaitlin and I have broken up on a Sunday night. She says I’m like a brother to her, whatever that means. But she still wanted to be friends. I was not upset till Saturday. Maybe the reason why I started to get upset is because I finally miss her. I don’t know. Maybe I took it as a joke first. I don’t know. During before thanks giving I could have gone to her place b going with my grand parents but I could not get a hold of Kaitlin again. O well.
This month, wile I was trying to keep my relationship with Kaitlin together I was trying to get some one’s hopes up. Tracy had been felling depressed I guess you could say. She had been feeling unwanted and that any one didn’t love her. She asked me if I wanted to go out with her. I paused for a moment. I was thinking about how I still had feelings for Kaitlin and that Tracy was about 10 years older than me. Then Tracy started calling herself stupid. I thought I had to go out with her. She ways all the way in West Virginia anyways, so I said yes. I wanted her to see the up side of life.
At the end of this month I was determined to get rid of Kaitlin from my life. But the morning I was going to do that I had received an e-mail. The e-mail form Klove had said: Saturday 11/27/2004 I'm not asking you to take them out of the world, but to keep them safe from the evil one. Make them pure and holy by teaching them your truth. John 17:15, NLT. I was thinking I don’t get it. At first I’m not supposed to even talk to her (said a Klove e-mail from the month of August.) And now I’m being told I can’t leave her. I was more confused than I had ever been. The next day Klove sent me: Sunday 11/28/2004 Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD. Psalm 27:14, NLT. It started to make sense so I just started to trust in the lord, patiently.
December 04’
This month it sounds like the PC for the church should be ready any time. I had bought all the discounted parts that I could find. The donator, Gene, is the one who would be putting the PC together just because he is more confident then me on how to do it. The only problem is that it is taking a long time to get the rest of the parts thought the mail.
With Tracy, she likes me more every day. I don’t know what to do about that but I hope something will happen soon so that I don’t have to be with her. I don’t want her to die but it doesn’t seam like she is finding a bright future like I was hoping for. I think to sooner this relationship is over the better because I am actually embarrassed to tell people that she is my girl friend. Since I’ve started having my life as an open book this year, it is harder to keep a secret about me. I know I’ve just got to be patient.
I think I now know why God wanted me to keep talking to Kaitlin. She calls be when she wants her day to brighten up. I am sure of this because when she hung up on me I called her back and she was crying. Then I felt bad for her. It is hard for me to be there for her because when I hear her I think of how evil she is. I feel like Kaitlin is really lost but she is always just putting her happy face on.
This Christmas I was down at Fullerton, CA with my family and grandparents. This Christmas I don’t really want anything. I just wanted to visit Kaitlin but I know I can’t go because of my parents. O well.
4/9/05
Well I guess I’m lazy with my journal because it is now 4 months later and I’m not caught up. I guess I’ll continue the way I’ve been writing my journal like I have before.
January ‘05
I couldn’t bear to keep the whole truth from Tracy any more so I told Tracy how I felt about her. She was already having a bad day but I had to tell her. I guess she thinks “I love you” is only means I want to be with you forever because she doesn’t understand that I love her so that I’m telling her the truth. I still talked to her for the next two weeks to show that I cared for her. I sent her the song “When the Tears Fall” from Newsboys but I don’t think it helped much. In those weeks she begged that I came back to her. I finally said yes again for the same reason why I said yes in November. Her days started to brighten again.
About the church A/V thing, I it has been finished. There are a few kinks to work out but over all it works great. I think it’s just what I wanted. If you ask me it’s about time. I’ve heard that life goes faster to older people so I guess that is why it took a year for something to happen.
February ‘05
I am now attending Solid Rock church that is at my town. I’m not finding a new church; I’m just finding a church that has an active youth group. I go to the youth group every Wednesday night. I like it there. To me it’s better than not going to a youth group at all.
Tracy and I are getting along like we usually. I don’t know what else to say about that.
March ‘05
4/26/05
I had to write this entry because things are crazy so I wanted to write it when the issue was hot. (hehehe) Wednesday Tracy and I had a serious talk. She had not been talking to me lately so I had written a letter and mailed it to her. Wednesday we talked about is and she said that it hurt her. She doesn’t like people telling her no so we broke up. I guess I’m supposed to be happy but I don’t like leaving people depressed. I guess there isn’t any other way.
Also on Wednesday Kaitlin, my friend, was freaking out. I guess she is in big trouble. It’s not like she wasn’t expecting most of it but she is has to go to court. She wasn’t even at her home on a school night. So I guess you could say over the net she was expressing her anger. I couldn’t imagine the position that she is in right now. People call me a pastor’s kid, or the perfect child. So when people get made at me for some thing I do wring I freak out. To me it is almost as if they threatened me with death. That day it was like I had felt hopeless for me and sorry for my friends. I did the best I gout to try to help my friends though. I gave them a few words of encouragement from the bible that I had thought were helpful.
On Monday, five days later, Kaitlin was at home. The first thing she asked me that day is if I would go out with her, even after all the things that she had done. I said yes and she asked really?. And I was thinking well kind of. I mean. I still loved her, but it seamed like a long time that since she wanted to go out with me. She wanted to convince me that she really did love me my answering all my questions, and she also wrote an e-mail to me about her life so that I knew what was going on with her. All this information was hard to take in but I guess I should be happy. I guess it’s just really weird that she wants to go out with me again. I can kin of remember the nights when I just wanted her in my arms (in bed) just because I cared for her that much. Most of all, I’m happy that she is starting to reconnect with the Lord again.
Here I am again, catching up about writing about the past.
Before school ended
It wasn't long after I broke up with Kaitlin. I guess when I went back to Kaitlin I thought that I was supposed to I guess. I don't really know if my tastes in girls have changed but it just wasn't the same. Another thing is that I didn't want to feel like I was taking care of another child. To even add more, This girl named Erin that lives in my hometown that I really like right now. Just everything about her. She is also not a rebel.
Erin became my new best friend. I like walk around everywhere in school with her. My other friends or to busy ditching school or going out with somebody so I stay with Erin a lot. But I don't mind. Sometimes we lay on the grass and stuff at school. It's fun.
My grades in school, well they rose, life a fraction of a percent. Over all, I did do better and my parents did like that. I'm still signed up to go to summer school.
If I haven't mentioned already, I'm also going to youth group on Tuesday nights at Vineyard of Faith. That is fun and my friends are even showing up to it so that's nice. Another thing is that on Easter weekend, we decided to start attending church every Saturday night so that we can be together as a family. This church I'm going to is called New Vintage. At Vineyard of Faith, we got so involved with the church and church politics that we don't get the full effect of the church service. I also enjoy going to this church. It's a little too prideful, like people take care of themselves but I still like the message.
It's nice to do nothing. No more just getting by school. Right now I'm catching up on all of the personal stuff that I have be leaving off.
Summer School
I got my History teacher for the fourth time. But that's ok because he's fun to be around and over all I'm used to rising up to his expectations. My English teacher is a little too liberal for me. Her LA childhood shows. Even though both teachers are liberal it's just gets annoying. I'm trying to do my homework but I can't get it all. One of the reasons is that I spend a lot of time with Erin. She also has summer school. We walk home together and sometimes I stick around till like 3 or 4. Summer School gets out at 1 or something like that.
I guess you could tell right now that I still really do like Erin. She is just so cute. Almost everything about her is cute. Every one at school thinks were going out. We do write letters to each other and I still give her a flower every now and then. In the letters she writes they can be depressing. It's like she never is looking on the bright side. It upsets me a lot but I still want to help her more than anything.
At the last week of summer school I'm preparing to get ready for Spirit West Coast. I'm not going to finish the school it self but I'm did do some make up work. I could not do it all. There was too much to get ready for the Vacation. I think my grade in each of the classes went down a letter grade because of it but still, the grades were better than last year.
It's the weekend so I figure I'd better catch up some more.
Last few weeks of Summer
Yea it's pretty boring. There is nothing to do. I don't even have a job. I applied to one job, that was Mc Donald's but it didn't go well. I wasn't prepared for the interview. It was my first interview also. I've done a few practice interviews before but I didn't know what to learn from them. So when I left the restaurant I knew I blew it. I guess I'm getting some where if I got accepted to an interview. More of the mummer I just hung out on my computer. What else is there to do. I made another commitment to try to read the whole bible from where I left off (in Deuteronomy) and try to finish it by the end of the year. I mean if someone younger than me had read the how thing 4 times I'm sure I could read the whole thing before I turn 20.
Another thing I did was went school (cloths) shopping. I decided to take $500 out of my bank account and spend it mostly on cloths. I wanted to get a whole new wardrobe and I did. I wanted Erin to help take me shopping because I don't think I have a good taste. So we went to the mall. The first place Erin wanted to take me was at Hot Topic. I didn't like anything. I tried on a few things and I felt like a bum or something lazy, like something from off the street. Over all, it was out of my price range. The second and last place we went to was at Vans. They didn't have and shoes that I or Erin liked. I must saw Erin has this thing for black. She doesn't want to be or look like a Goth but just she like all of the things of a Goth. Go figure. A week later I ended up buying what I usually do except I went to Sears for the t-shirts and got black leather shoes instead of white. Erin like everything I had bought.
11/3/05
Not too much happened. School has started. It was a little scary for some reason. I guess everything was new. I don't like new. After a wile it was not that bad. I was a comforter to Erin at this time. She thought one of her friends made fun of her over the net but a day or two later she found out it wasn't. That's good at least that she found out. That friend is ever her best friend so it hurt. It's weird having most of my day taken up but at least I'm doing something. Also the homework thing is weird. This time I'm able to do a good job at it and yea. It nice too.
11/8/05
The month of September
My Senior project is needed to be decided upon. I thought about starting a youth group in the town that I had my childhood in. But I wasn't sure. Over all. I wanted so do something with my career for the future but I don't know what that is. I thought since one of my dreams is to minister there so why not do it. I'd be more fun than last year's Junior project. But I also don't want to leave my home church because it's home. But then would I point anyone to my church if they were looking for one. If anything yes but I'm not satisfied with the style that the people have. It's funny but my pastor said that at times we come to a fork in the road and we should make the right decision. I don't think he (or the Lord) was telling me that I should leave the church but that I should go to the church. So the last weekend of September I decided I should just go to the church in Rohnert Park and see what I can get. The pastor there said that I could help build up the church with the new room. So I excepted the offer. I didn't know how it was doing to work but I will make it work.
This should be under August but one thing I did that I also pushed my self to do is to talk to my business teacher. I wanted to talk to her about my Career. So I did. I like how she talked to me about it. It was not opinioned and yet it was very helpful. The one thing I remember she told me to do is that I should take notes when ever I have an idea or detail that have come to.
I'm taking a class in school that is helping me get a job. I've been dressing up and asking and giving out applications so much that I have become sick of it. I do now have a car that I can drive around but I don't like the application part. I guess it feels pointless. Also I don't like data entry. I'm just typing up the same information over and over again. I hope to find one eventually.
Right now the only person I have a strong communication with is Erin. I still don't understand her but she still is a big ball of joy for me. I kind of still getting myself in trouble with her but I don't know. She is just to fun to not be around. I hope I never lose contact with her.
End of September
When I heard this I was shocked, but it was true. I made it to become a homecoming king nominee. I kind of felt good about it but I was nervous because I didn't know how to be a nominee. I've never been to a school dance before. In a way I kind of thought it was like I was running a political campaign. It was as if I had to appeal to people a certain way. Well it was nice to have the support. The day that the school shows off the the nominees, I also had chorus to show up to. We were singing the star spangled banner to open up the rally. That was nerve wrecking but we started so fast and when we were singing, I couldn't think about it. After that I went to go to where the other nominees are. But wile I was doing that I now know why superstars don't have any brains. It's because they have people think for them. Preparing and during the rally, I was told how to act and where to go. For the rally I waked down the aisle with Karlie, a friend from class. I was dehydrated after the rally. But it was fun.
The final part of the rally was at the homecoming football game. I was bummed that I missed most of the game but give or take I had fun and I was free! I didn't know I was supposed to be looking nice for halftime so I rushed home after the varsity game and changed. After that I ended up looking nicer than the other king nominees. I got to get a car ride. I was in a PT Cruiser convertible. The music sounded good even thought I've never heard if before. But now that I've heard it, I've hearing it a lot more often and I hear a lot more talk about it. When I was with everybody I didn't know what to say. Everybody was kind of just spazing out. At halftime, I did not get the white flower but I did have a fun time. Liked the attention and hope I can use my experience for my Career.
11/23/05
Job Searching
During the homecoming weekend, Baskin Robins wanted to interview me to see if I would make a good employee. I've had other interviews before, such as the Airport Theater, Longs. I was kind of in a rush when it was time for the interview because I had just came from school. There was a musical chair thing during lunch and it was for the nominees. So I quickly played it till I lost and I went to the interview. When I got there I was really relaxed I guess because my mind was too filled with stuff that I wasn't thinking about worrying. So I had a good interview.
Monday I got a call and he said I got the job! I was really excited and I was happy that I didn't have to make another application. I didn't know where I was going to find twenty hours in my week but I knew I could find ten.
Like a week or two later I was in training. The other person that got hired was in my math class so I kind of knew her. It's kind of fun. Not bad for a first job. I also get tips. Yippy.
11/25/05
Month of October
This month has been kind of fun. I've been a little stressed out with getting my homework done and also having to work at a job but it's working out alright. It's a few of my friend's birthdays this month but I haven't been to any parties. I called up Kaitlin on her birthday. She seemed kind of busy. I think she would be if she wasn't around her family much. I'm getting to know my friends a little better this month, especially Danny. I don't know why, I guess it because my other friends are flirting and stuff. Erin isn't going to school anymore so school is more dull than usual. Overall, life is going smoothly.
1/16/06
Month of November
This month has been kind of crazy. My friend James has been talking to Erin a lot and that has kind of been working me. I was the AV guy again for the New Skin band. Things when a lot smother this year and I wasn't so mentally tired afterwards. We had the whole film moving background thing and it was cool. I get worried too much when I run the AV but I guess that just means I care. I remember there were some other crazy stuff that happened but I can't but my finger on it. I talked to Kaitlin and she hasn't really changed since the last time I talked to her. I don't like vacations any more. During Turkey weekend, there was just so much stuff to do with family and work and home work that I was busier than what a busy week usually is. I don't mind spending it with family, it's just that I don't want the stress of not getting enough work done.
I guess what made the month so crazy is that it seamed like all my friends were getting in trouble. It was like life was going down hill for everybody.
Month of December
In the beginning, Things were going alright. It still felt like November because I wasn't done with November's work. As time went along, I got involved with my Senior Project. I looked up some stuff to see what it would take to got the new church room running with a projection system. I'm enjoying doing that. I visited Erin one Friday night. It was weird because like she looked all Goth like and every one was kind of spazing out. I guess every thing seemed pointless. Over all I don't really think I know how to have fun. I never really enjoyed hanging out with other people just as something to do. I've always done something to accomplish something. And I was also hanging out with Johnelle and James too. That didn't make the experience any more pleasant. they are all to much of a rebel for me.
Right when Christmas break started, I had to get ready for my vacation to LA, in Cali. Some of the things was by Christmas presents, clean house, do some Church stuff. I got Erin a gift card to Hot Topic. I snuck it under a bush so that it could be hidden and that it would stay dry from the rain. By the time my family left for vacation, I was ready because I was tired form all of the prep work. On vacation I got to read my Bible and my book that I ordered called It Takes a Family. I've always wanted to ready that because I thought it would help me fine tune my conservative opinions. It was really nice reading it because I was able to identify with the author Rick Santorum with a lot of things. I did not finish it but it I did get about half way.
1/18/06
Last week of December
When I got back from brake, Erin called me up at work and really wanted me to go to see her at Johnelle's house. So I said ok. Then a few minuets later my friend James called and wanted to come along too. That got me upset because I it seemed like James was taking my spot where I wanted to be with Erin. I took James anyways. I didn't really have fun at the place because I wanted to go home. I wanted my sleep. I hate looking my sleep.
Like the next few day's Erin and I talked about what happened that night. It became clear to me that she didn't want me to be her bf because of the technicalities, it's because I not what she is looking for. I didn't talk to her for a wile so that I could cool off.
1/18/06
It's another day in Windsor California. I got back to talking with Erin again because I wanted to be there for her like how I originally been there for her. She is asking for help and support so I'm providing it for her because she deserves it. The only thing that is different is that I'm seriously hiding my feelings and putting up boundaries for our friendship. Today I helped her around school. It was weird talking to her friends again but I was. I didn't want to stand too close to her so that I would get comfortable. She was grumpy so I just let her talk. Then she told me not to listen so I did so. And then It was time for my next class so she walked home and I was off to class.
About my career, I e-mailed a broadband company named Vista to see if I could get like and internship or some kind of job there. I don't know if it is the path I should be tacking but in the end, I'm sure they pay more than minimum wage. I just impatient about figuring out how to make a difference because the other day I was just thinking about how it's probably already too late to let people know the the morals have fallen and that the question now is how to get a preteen to understand how important it is to be pure. That is that hard part. For one thing, I don't think it was taught to me.
I figured it's about time to make another entry. Right now I'm just tired of everything. I'm worried how my senior project is going to go. I just feel like I don't have time for anything anymore and that I don't really have any supporting friends right now. Like I've said, I'm not so independent anymore. Right now I think I should get that back. I say that because I don't know how I'm going to make it in the future like when I go off to college and stuff. It's like I'd just be nice to have some one to lean on when nothing seams to be going right.
The Mormons found out that I'm looking into their understanding and so I've been talking to them lately. It's just hard to get an answer when so many people have so many opinions. I guess that is why I stopped going to the Christian chat rooms. Most of them are so stubborn and unclear in their understanding of the bible, that they don't get anywhere. If anything hearts are being hardened. I like starting my own room but I don't have the patients and time like I used to.
I'm getting tired of Erin not listing to what I say to her. It's like she really doesn't trust me now and that she is just using me for stuff. Everything she does doesn't make sense any more. She cares but then she doesn't. I already have a bunch of friends like that. I don't need one more.
I know it's been awhile since I've updated my journal. I was hanging on to every second that I could to finish my Senior Project on time. After that I was just trying to get my life back but I kind of forgot what it was like. I still had a lot of school work to do. In the end it paid off. I was able to raise my over all GPA to at least a 2.5. A lot of people are shocked that I needed to raise my grade but my Junior year was a crazy 1.3 GPA year for me. I'm sure you can tell from my pervious journal entries.
About work. In the spring, I though I was going real good at Baskin Robbins. I felt like I knew just about everything in the store. I even helped train the new people at the store. All was going good until the Coddingtown Baskin Robbins took over the store. One guy started to change everything around and then the manage wasn't as soft on mistakes as Nathan my old manager was. In the end, now I'm looking for a new job as an unemployed man. That is how I have all this time to type on my web site. At least school is starting in less than two weeks.
My friends, right now we don't talk much. I'm really going to try to avoid Erin because I say why keep on dreaming if the dream will never come true. It's that she's such a great person if you know what I mean. My friend Danny lives near Reading now so I don't see him much. It's not like I can just go over to his house and see him. But we still talk though technology. James and I don't really know what to do because basically we don't have the hi technology to hook up two computers to play a video game or something.
I have met some people in India through Yahoo chat rooms in late July. I'm used to AOL's public chat rooms and so usually if you what a good conversation you can find one eventually. Of course I like the Christian ones. Mainly I like the ones with out the yelling and shouting of church politics because I have that in my head and hear it on the news all the time. I just want a place to relax and talk to people. Back to the people in India. They need a little help with their finances and I've always thought about sponsoring a child and they did have some convincing evidence that they weren't pulling information out of a hat so I thought I would be a good idea to help them out. I still talk to them today and they have taught me how to be a better pleasant talker. From hang around people that just talk about themselves and in a pop culture were the focus primarily on the the individual doesn't really help you receive good manors. One example is that they ask how my family is doing. I rarely ever talk about my family. I'm usually like there doing as good as they always have been. What I'm trying to say is that I've learned a lot in a little amount of time by communicating with these people. Some people might say that I'm crazy but I say it a blessing. It really had caused me to rely on my faith in God. By the way these people I am talking about are Christians too. They say that the government does not want to accept Christianity in any way. There are churches in India though. I think the denominations are about as diverse as it is in America.
If anyone cares, I finished making a DVD of my cousin Brittni's wedding. Pinnacle's Studio 9 didn't like how I dual layered the audio on the timeline so I compressed the two files together with another program to fix it. I'm glad I'm pretty much finished with it because it took for ever to do. It took about a month. I'm sure anyone gets frustrated when a something doesn't work they want it to.
I don't know if I've mentioned this but I'm still too impatient for online chat rooms. I still go on because it's better than no communication but I get bored real fast.
For my career I am not sure what I would like to do. For right now, working as a networking guy sounds great. you get paid well and you get to go to places to fix their network and you get to see people. I'm still seeking a job that consists of promoting Christian family values it's just that I don't really know how I'm going to get there. I'm thinking about being a celebrity or something but I don't have any connections. I'm serous too. People think that by the way I naturally act, I'm funny. I'm the next Napoleon Dynamite. Also NASCAR sounds good right now too. My road in my court got repaved and it just sooooo smooooooth. I can't even feel how fast I'm going. It's so awesome.
I really don't want to be single right now nor do I want to be unemployed because I guess I don't have to worry about not having enough money for a girlfriend. lol.
Oh Mormons. They come to my house now. My friend Erin told them I was interested so they came on by. They've been been coming every now and then since the Spring. This week I've got a thesis for why my church is on the correct path on theology. My church has a greater freeing experience about having a relationship with Christ. It's less about what you do and more about what you believe. Even Christians aren't perfect but thought Christ we are made perfect. It not by our own will. We'll sin till we die and all sin is bad to God no mater what. But we are forgiven. That is what I need to remember. We are saved by grace through faith. I would give verses but pretty much the whole book of Romans explains it clearly.
I don't know why I usually come to talk in my journal when something wrong happens but I guess it just means I'm going through a major learning experience. I'm having trouble with one Indian that lives in India. He isn't financially stable and I thought that I could help him get out of the country. As it turns out, I'm able to keep him a live but I can get him to leave the country. My finances and knowledge isn't great enough to get him out of the rut. I need help.
Work is going good but my school work is not. I am having a hard time focusing on my work. I can get a lot done if I enjoy what I'm doing but all my classes except Statistics just feels like busy work. Also my English teacher is another hippy activist. But what do you expect from public education?
I miss Erin so much. I feel like I never see her anymore. Just an hour a week doesn't cut it.
Oh by the way I'm sick. I'm sure it's a cold. Overall, I'm uncomfortable and don't feel like doing homework. Crazy days.
Maybe I'll write more later. I just feel used up right now.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Vicar Eric has started leading my youth group and so now it kicks but even more. It's crazy.
I've been taking some civil engineering classes and it seams to be going well.
:-/
Saturday, March 17, 2007
I can't sleep!!!!!
Sunday, May 6, 2007
I've never thought about if some one wanted to know who I am in layman's terms where they would find out. So I added a little something up above. I've been busy with work and school like usual so I'm just keeping you up to date. I'm desperate for a girl friend. It's hard to find someone compatible with me in California. I got a bunch of new CDs so I'm excited about having a little more variety to listen to. Even a little bit of county added. Oh yea. IT'S HOT TODAY!!!
Friday, July 17, 2007
I'm leaving for Mexico on July 21st. It's going to be interesting. I've never left the country.
Today my mother's family got together because my great grandmother's days are up real soon. I saw her a few weeks ago when she was struggling but I guess now she's having a hard time having the strength to speak. It makes me think about my life. It makes a difference right now because I'm focusing on trying to be glad in the days that I live, like what the Bible says. For some reason everything is annoying. Like as if I know the answers to everything be nobody wants to listen. I don't want to be viewed as a leader but I guess I'd just like to be credited for what I have to say. I really feel like something crazy is going to change. Like as if everything is going to change. Like I'm going to start a life somewhere out of the county and leave all my friends behind. It's making me be still.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Sorry I didn't right back sooner. I've been home over a week from now. My trip from Mexico was nice. I think some people saw it more poor than I saw. Maybe because some of my friends have it a bit harder. Or maybe I just look at the heart the most and I think over all they cared about each other very much. The job in San Lorenzo was to help restore a church if you will. We put up stucco on the out side church walls and then painted them. We also painted the security bars in the windows and the doors. I liked the food it was really fresh. But for now I've have my share of Mexican food. I didn't remember any Spanish from my two years that I took so it was difficult for me to communicate to the Mexicans. As a youth group we went to a party. There was dancing there to but we didn't do to much of that. When I got back at home it felt weird to use a computer again. I miss working. I'm a workaholic, I confess.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I'm still alive. School seems to be going well. I don't like hot weather. So now that it's cooler outside I'm not so emo. In fact, I've been so relaxed that I act like a freak. I'm seriously considering buying a video camera so that I can put the good stuff on YouTube to share the silliness. Maybe I'll be put on a reality show. I hope I wouldn't make Christians look stupid. ... la de da ... I'll take opinions if anyone has any MySpace layouts for me. I've had this one for quite some time. I can't wait to get out on my own. Some day.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I'm bored and I don't know where my friends are. I signed up for FaceBook on Sunday though. It was recommended on Cranky Geeks. It's a show where important people in the tech industry talk about what the latest thing going on tech industry. Anyways, I just thought I it was worth a shot. I already found three friends. I'll be you're friend if you ask me to. :-D I'm still wondering what I should do with my life. I don't know if I should get a degree in ministry, work my way up in the civil engineering field, or become something in the retail word. I really think I could run my own Powell's if I was offered a position as such. One thing I wouldn't like the idea of putting my life on the line 24/7 to make sure the store was ok. For some reason though I look better in person than on paper. On paper I look like a bum, but really I'm just a work-a-holic that I don't really look into any hobbies. Sometimes I wonder why my friends hesitate to tell me what exactly what their thinking when it's about me. It's not like I'm going to hate them for the rest of my life. But I have a hard time enjoying people. A lot of times I want to tell them what's the best way on how to live or act but I know they won't listen anyways so I just smile. I realized that I do care about people more than myself. I know it's hard to find people like that. People who take care of themselves last. There has to be something that makes life fun with out spending money. The only way I can think of doing that is by acting 5. But that usually scares people so I try to not do that.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
I'm getting tired of people dissing Vista so I made a blog about it.
Why Windows Vista works for me.
Friday, November 23, 2007
I'm relaxing today. That's right I'm not doing homework. I feel like a bum. But over all I'm glad I have the patience to complete my sentences again. I can't wait till school is out. There is so much that I want to learn by my self it's crazy. The few main things I'm looking forward to is getting a new credit card, doing some major construction on my church's website and other tech stuff, read the bible, and finding out what the morals were 100 years ago.
The more I think about why were not such a Christian country as 50 years ago or more is because the morals haven't passed on to generations mainly because the industrial revelation didn't require families to nit together to survive. I'm not saying the revelation is a bad thing it's that it was built for a dependency on skills of the individual rather than family. It seems almost people have traded the high quality of morality for the opportunity to get ahead or get more stuff and get away with it. From what I have understood about people is they have always made bad choices but over time people haven't turned to the gospel for answers. Instead they ask what which solution would be more successful. Would it be more successful to Would it be more successful to take devote Sundays to the lord or make another dollar. Would it be more successful to to own everything you wanted or shine God's light to the world. Would it be more successful to stay a virgin till marriage or to get as much sex as you possibly can. Often feelings are the ones that people consider which is best for success rather than wisdom. Over all, feelings should be a guide to decision making but wisdom is the ultimate decision maker. I have read two books from the Bible that are written from the wisest man that ever walked the earth, Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. And here are a few verses to support that morals are to be taught and put forth into action:
Proverbs 11:25 (NIV)
A generous man will prosper;
he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.Proverbs 12:1 (NIV)
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge...Ecclesiastes 2:1-3, 10-11 (NIV)
I thought in my heart, "Come now, I will test you with pleasure to find out what is good." But that also proved to be meaningless. "Laughter," I said, "is foolish. And what does pleasure accomplish?" I tried cheering myself with wine, and embracing folly—my mind still guiding me with wisdom. I wanted to see what was worthwhile for men to do under heaven during the few days of their lives.
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my work,
and this was the reward for all my labor.
Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
nothing was gained under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 1:2-4, 9, 11 (NIV)
"Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."
What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?
Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.Romans 12:2 (NIV)
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.James 3:17 (NIV)
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.Proverbs 2:1-5 (NIV)
My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,
turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,
and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,
...
then you will understand the power and importance of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.
People may want to do things that look good but putting out good manners is what will make a life thrive and have something that is real. It's not hypocritical, it's truth developing.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
I ecstatic that I only have one more day of school. It's been a crazy semester. I over loaded my self but that's just because I want to get through school fast and I want to develop more than one kind of skill. But I finally get a break. I realized that I don't like to change. I like just sitting back and thinking or I'd rather work myself to death. Also I realized I don't have much of a sense of class.
My church put on a play called the Christmas Post this weekend and it's really comforting that my church is making a step in the right direction. It seems like it's moving forward. With all that's been going on it almost seemed like we weren't making much of a difference but now it's like we got our focus straight. We used a crew of members that haven't been to the church lately and didn't think we would see and some how it became a hit. God Bess that. Thank you. I've gotten a view of life that's more entertaining than that I mostly had. Merry Christmas.
Now if you are really that concerned for me I have a question for people. Whenever I look at some one I tend to see that crap that's going on in people lives like right away. Is it just me or is it common for people to see this. I mean I'm harsh. Flip flop people are laid back and lazy, spazes are whores, people who act like they are number one are a** h***s, and people that are most humble seem to be the most caring. I makes me sad. I've been thinking about what Solomon, from the Old Testament, had to say about life. For so long I've just kept to myself because I didn't see a point to talking to people. They just act like you care most of the time and they'll most likely forget what you tell them so what's the point. I've been thinking of this since I was in early elementary school. Solomon says everything is meaningless under the sun. He's saying that everything we physically do will die some day so there isn't a point. I guess I've always been looking for the right and best way of doing things. But there really isn't one. It's just unfathomable to me. So now I'm 19 and I've just started to become more of a risk taker and out spoken, and just try to enjoy life as apposed to living in a safe square box. That is why I wrote the previous news/ journal entry about manners. It's about me tying to experience life in a polite, God focused, "Cross-eyed" life.
I think if Socrates would have read the books written by Solomon he wouldn't have had so many questions. Yes Solomon was around before Socrates.
Sunday, Febuary 5th
Everybody vote for John McCain
Thanks
Thursday, March 11, 2008
I wonder what life would be like to me if I was literally blind. I wouldn't be able to judge people by the way they look. I'd be more patient to listen to what people say. I wouldn't have to worry if people looked at me and think I'm weird I wouldn't know. Hell with the people that think I'm unattractive. I think I'd worry mush less. Right now I'm thinking of the book of Mathew which talks of worrying about the things we see. He talks of worrying about the clothes we where, what's going to happen tomorrow and other things. People do act different when they are alone then in a crowd even though the alone personality is the most honest and true personality. I guess I just pray that I can learn to have a blind and peer pressure-less personality. Sounds emo but it true.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
I'm waiting impatiently because I want to do everything but I don't have the time for it or the patients for it because I want it now but I can't have everything anyways. So depressing. So I bought some happy music so that it can help me slow down and be satisfied. Cause it's only the world. I'll be plowing through the last section of school so if I seem busy it's because I am. (rockin' in my chair) I take Sundays off so I'm relaxing right now. I'm socially getting older and less shy. It's awesome. I have Erin Rivers to thank for it and my work Powell's Sweet Shoppe and God of course. I'll stop rambling and just say pray for me what my head doesn't explode nor do I lose my 'tude.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
I finally bought
Friday, August 22, 2008
Nothing has changed too much. I'm feeling like I'm finnishing up school at the Junior College. Yay. I'm still talking to the same people.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
I just would like some input on what people may think about me becoming a spiritual leader. To be honest if I were to get a group of five or more people together that would like to explore the biblical gospel then I would be more than willing to lead it. I'd call it "the Bible uncensored." Starting from the beginning of the Bible, I've read up too the middle of John. That's just about the end of the Bible. To me there is a lot of unspoken parts of the bible that may seem uncomfortable at first but I believe that if they are clearly explain the topic and the purpose then it's much more power full then just explaining a small chunk. I've never out spoken about the my web site that I put a few years ago. The site is located at http://staytrue.info. It's about taking a common perspective of people's sexuality and filtering out the impurity and building up a more wholesome character. I haven't touched it in a while so I'm sure I could rewrite the site with more clarity but the site isn't a main focus for me at this time. All I can say is times may change but a heart has always been created the same way.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't too serious about everything but other times I wish people would get more real about their life.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
I'm still alive just counting my blessings. A few things have been wired lately. There’s leadership changes at my church, I’m communicating with different people, and my classes are having me think out side of my box. That includes English and Web Design. I’m benefiting from it though. I feel like I’m actually learning something in them. It's been a crazy couple of months. I think I’m gonna pick up a left handed guitar soon just so set if it is something I’d be interested in using.
More and more I keep thinking Sonoma County is not my home anymore. I have a hard time finding work I’d enjoy making a career out of and people to chill with. I guess part of it is my problem but even so maybe just starting fresh is always an experience of its own.
Check out my video list and updated personal website if you'’re bored enough. I just wanna say thanks to everyone who has had the patience to get to know me. Have a good one
Wednesday, November 18, 2008
I had the weirdest dream last night. I rarely have dreams. It goes I was rather anxious and annoyed at like 11pm in my condo with my sister so I went for a drive. As I was driving I was thinking why the hell is the sun out and why is there so many cars at this hour. It was as busy as rush hour. So since driving wasn't releasing my anxiety and anger I went back home. My sister was there all sitting all chill saying wipe off your feet. It's not holy to walk in with dirty feet. The rapture is coming.
When I woke up I had a few questions. Why was the sun up at 11pm. Why was I living with my sister? Why did I have a condo in west Santa Rosa? Why was I annoyed to the point of madness? Is the rapture really coming? Anyways that's my response.
Life is still going. I really like the "Super Average Podcasts". It's like free therapy.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Where is His Church?
If His church has the power to move mountains then why do we look like the world?
If God is love why do we hide it? I apologize
to anyone who has ever been hurt by this church.
That's not what the Lord commands. God's love is pure and unconditional.
Thuesday, March 10, 2009
I've just finished reading Me, Myself, & Bob by Phil Vischer, the guy originally behind VeggieTales. It's the first book large piece that I was able to finish in three days. I wanted to E-mail Phil how inspiring his book was but I realized he already knows that this book is inspiring. That's why he wrote it. But you don't so let me tell you about it. The story in a sentence talked about how he grew as a geek in a Christian home and eventually created this huge company called Big Idea but fell into bankruptcy due to the lack of quality workers and dependence on God. Big Idea's characters and media was bought by another company to keep the veggies moving and that's why you saw more videos after the movie Jonah came out. The main point from the book was the company depended on their own knowledge for success as opposed to the guidance from God. As the company was failing, Phil was stressed out to the max and incredibly busy in its last years. It didn't make sense to him till a while after he had time to relax.
To me the book was incredibly relative to my life. I have felt recently that I'm stressed out by not only going to a school I hardly care for but also working at a job and struggling to keep up with all the work I do for Vineyard of Faith. Because my work schedule has been pretty light lately, I've been able to get through the week more smoothly. My checks are making ends meet. When I finished reading the book, I learned that I need to let something go. But I don't know which one to loose. If I choose work I can't pay for school and living expenses. If I choose school then how am I to get the associates degree and also where do I go for work so I can live on my own. If it's church then am I not the one to help revive VOF with the Holy Spirit? I think may be I just need to take it easy and make the best with what I have and make decisions that are the best way to go with God's help instead of the perfect or ideal way, which is very stressful. Maybe it's not where I am but who I am. It's so hard to be a compassionate person in an unthankful community. But I guess with the help of God any thing is possible. He makes all things work out according to his will. So I guess I'm letting go of my fear of showing my faith and joy in God.
latest piece at MySpace.com/SylvanFinger